As I looked once more over the assortment of toys placed neatly on the dresser, my heart started to pump out of control again, my thoughts momentarily engaged in an inner debate. On one hand, I hoped with all my heart that Bella and I would be using these devices, yet conversely, I was also desperately scared that we would be leaving our naivety behind tonight and entering into the unknown. I wasn’t too afraid to admit that I was a little scared.
Nevertheless, I was having a hard time pinning down what it was that I was exactly afraid of. Inside, I was desperately worried that I wouldn’t like the planned activities for this evening and would have to go through the motions of submission, possibly for the rest of my life, simply to be with her.
Or, was I afraid that I would like it too much?
I had never thought of myself as a weak man or possessing any kind of a submissive nature. Quite the opposite, in fact. My job was in senior management at a large corporation – Financial Controller of Cullen Enterprises, and I directly managed a team of 50 accountants, planners and clerical staff. I was used to making decisions and giving orders all day, every day and, on most occasions, I also chaired the Board Meetings as the current Chairman since Carlisle Cullen himself, had recently moved into semi-retirement in order to spend time with his wife, Esme.
However, I loved it whenever Bella took the initiative in the bedroom, her every action showing me how much she loved and desired me. These times had been so freeing for me, giving the power to someone else, not having to be the one always responsible for making decisions, to be able to simply feel and respond.
My future happiness was dependent on this night and right at this moment my gut was churning and I could feel myself starting to even sweat a little at the thought that this last ditch attempt with Bella might fail.
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